|What Barbie wants for XMAS - stocking fillers!
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
The North Pole, Somewhere
December 22, 1999
Dear Mr Santa Claus:
Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in
fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY
PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm going to call
for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't want to be around to
smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea
what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
get it done.
6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag
of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs;
or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and
equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next
It's that simple.
Yours truly with love and affection,